My Own Stranger

I’ve forgotten myself. Do not recognize myself.

Deep, vivid eyes stare back at me in the mirror

And I’m shaken, down to the core

For I do not remember her gaze anymore

She stares right back, so shocked as I am

Confused, afraid, yet calmly we stand

What is this epiphany?

This… stranger in front of me

Has she always been like this?

Has she always looked like this?

Her cheeks should be rosy, lips upturned and pretty

But instead of that, her face is pale, frozen, and lifeless

Her voice fills my head: quiet, innocent, and laced with pain

Why haven’t you come to see me? Why has it been so long?

How could you forget me? Why did you have to run?

As the person she thought she could trust, my heart is full of guilt

Her face, her pleading childlike face, it reddens and it shatters and quakes

As her eyes fill with tears, I feel wetness my own cheek

I didn’t, I whisper, there must be some mistake

My chest tightens, her breath quickens, and our hands start to shake

I didn’t mean to, I – I don’t know what this is

The realization hits me and silently I bow my head

For the first time in a long time, I feel something... strange

Shame, crushing pain as I stare into her soul 

With each gasping breath reality becomes distant

With the ticking of the clock, her features fall, misted

Until all that is left, standing directly before me

Is just another broken mess who breathes, like me

With hopes and dreams, despair and sad memories

A heart that’s been ripped to pieces, by me and past abusers

So small, so scared… how could the world not protect her?

How could I not have stepped in? Saved her before it was too late?

You had your own goals, she says to me, and I suddenly choke out a cry

She's right. I left her, alone and tattered and scared so many times

As I left to find utopia, with all my rags and riches 

I shoved her into the dust, saying "Fend for yourself, alone, and helpless"

You disowned me completely, she screams in my head

Selfishly you acted like I never was. What am I to you? Am I dead?

And I fear to speak out, for her words ring so true

Yet as we continue our gazing, I accept I have nothing to say

No words, no use now, to try and ease her pain

I send her that thought, and her eyes slowly soften

She knows, she’s known, for she’s dealt with it often

By now, I have memorized her flaws and her beauty -a wonder

Not lovely, not in the slightest, but honestly shattered

We waste another moment before I lose all self control

I can’t look into those ocean eyes, cannot bear such a face anymore

I sidestep away from that godawful mirror and silently scream in my rage

For her? No. For us? Yes. Because nothing's prepared me for this

Forget worry, forget the future! How can I possibly go on? 

I thought I was healing, thought I was all better, but clearly I did not think things through

How do you keep going when your self is left behind? Tell me how!

I’d try to get her back, but I just don’t think I can… she’s faded out, somewhere inside

Here to take her place is whatever I’ve become. And do I like it? No, no, I hate it

But it’s too late to relive the past, so there’s no point in hiding it

We’ve both gone our separate ways and what’s done is over, forever

As I gaze into the void, I'm shaken, yes, but perhaps this was my answer

I’m hopeful of this, but there’s one more thought left, stirring inside of my chest

And it is cold, and awful, and selfish, I know, so please forgive the way that this ends

But I have this overwhelming feeling, one thing I am sure of, and it is that

Truthfully, horridly… 

I never wish to see her again